Dear Fictional Characters, Don't Come Within 500 Feet Of Me.

 

Devra Bogangles and I have an extensive history of making lists that have no relevance to daily life, and discussing them for hours on end. During the summer of 2005, we were either watching House, MD or making up lists of Disney characters we would ravage. Last night, we decided to concoct our own lists of characters in movies, TV shows, books, songs, etc. who do not deserve to come anywhere near us, unless we voluntarily dissolve a court order.

Movies.
1. Stanley Kowalski (from A Streetcar Named Desire - movie version)

I want to make this abundantly clear from the get-go - he is sex. At least when Marlon Brando plays him. However, he's a crazy Polish rapist with an intense anger management problem. The court order would probably be irrelevent, because he seems like the kind of guy who was born to violate restraining orders, and would just walk into my apartment and do dirty things. It's a win-win situation.

2. The Bear (from Grizzly Man)

The chances of me actually going to an Alaskan animal refuge to pretend to be a bear among other orsines is just ludicrous, and that's probably the only way I would be in danger. However, if for some reason I DO decide to do something that crazy, I want a useless court document with me. I just realized he's not fictional. Oh well.

3. Gollum (from Lord of the Rings trilogy)

Let's look at the facts. He is a known stalker - he follows the Fellowship throughout most of the first movie and then skulks behind the hobbits at the beginning of the second after the said fellowship dissolves. He has no loyalty to anything, save a piece of jewelry. He eats raw fish. He's legitimately schizophrenic and has at least one death to his name, probably more, and has no moral qualms about doing it again. If Tolkien had had a court system in Middle-earth, this would have been its first priority - you know, after they took care of the intense evil in Mordor and that wizardy guy in Isengard.

4. Cal Hockley (from Titanic)

I would be pissed if a scrawny female-like creature stole Kate Winslet from me. I would also be pissed if Kate Winslet then spit in my face and said she would rather be the said creature's whore than my wife. It's very, very sad. However, Mr. Hockley is frighteningly possessive and likes to shoot his pistol at people while a boat is sinking.

5. Scar (from The Lion King)

Bottom line - cannot be trusted. I have said many times that Mufasa deserved to die in the end because his leadership abilities were not up to par. A great leader would have recognized the threat his brother posed to both himself and his son. Hell, Scar BROADCASTS the fact that he felt he should have been king. He also associated with hyenas and hired them as mercenaries. He's basically the Idi Amin of lions.